Supporting Someone Who Is Struggling
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Supporting Someone Who Is Struggling
You don't have to fix someone else's pain to be there for them.
When someone you care about is grieving, struggling with their mental health or finding life difficult after a bereavement, it can be hard to know what to do.
You might worry about saying the wrong thing.
You might wonder whether you should ask them how they are.
You might be frightened that talking about how they feel will somehow make things worse.
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is much simpler:
Be there. Listen. And let them know they don't have to face everything alone.
Start With a Conversation
You don't need a perfect opening line.
You could say :“I've noticed you've not seemed yourself lately. How are you doing?”
Or:
“I've been thinking about you. Do you want to talk?”
Or simply:
“I'm here if you need me.”
If they don't want to talk, don't take it personally. Let them know the door is still open.
Samaritans recommends asking directly about how someone is feeling, listening without judgement and allowing them to talk in their own way. (samaritans.org)
You Don't Have to Fix It
This is one of the most important things to remember.
You can't take someone's grief away.
You can't make a bereavement not have happened.
And you can't always make someone's mental-health difficulties disappear.
Your job isn't to find the perfect solution.
Sometimes your role is simply to listen and stay alongside them.
You might say: “I don't know what to say, but I'm here.”
That can be enough.
Listen Without Judging
If someone opens up to you, try to give them space.
You don't have to immediately tell them what they should do.
Avoid comparing their experience with someone else's.
Try not to say:
“You need to move on.”
“You should be feeling better by now.”
“At least they had a good life.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Instead:
“That sounds really difficult.”
“I'm glad you told me.”
“You don't have to deal with this alone.”
“Would you like me just to listen, or would you like help finding some support?”
Samaritans recommends listening without judgement and allowing the person to talk about what's troubling them rather than immediately trying to solve the problem. (samaritans.org)
Offer Something Specific
When someone is struggling, even deciding what they need can feel exhausting.
Instead of:
“Let me know if you need anything.”
try:
“I'll bring you dinner tomorrow.”
“I'll do the school run this week.”
“I'll take the dog out.”
“Do you want me to come with you to the GP?”
“I'll call you tomorrow evening.”
Practical help can be just as valuable as words.
Keep Checking In
One conversation isn't necessarily enough. Someone may say they're okay because they're not ready to talk. They may feel better for a few days and then struggle again. Grief can come in waves. Mental-health difficulties can change over time too. A simple message can make a difference: “Thinking of you. How are you doing today?” You don't need a long conversation every time. Sometimes knowing that someone remembers can be comforting.
Don't Disappear After the Funeral
This is particularly important after a bereavement. In the first few days and weeks, people may receive lots of messages and offers of help. Then the funeral happens. People return to work Life gets busy again. The person who is grieving may suddenly find themselves alone with the reality of what has happened. Keep checking in. Remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Ask how they're doing weeks or months later.
Grief doesn't end when the funeral does.
Encourage Them to Get Professional Help
You can support someone without becoming their counsellor. If they're struggling to cope, encourage them to speak to someone who can provide professional help.
That might be:
- Their GP
- A counsellor
- A bereavement service
- A mental-health professional
- A support group
You could offer to help them make the appointment or go with them if appropriate. You don't have to persuade them to tell you everything. You can simply say: “Would you like me to help you find someone you could talk to?”
What If They Say They Don't Want Help?
You can't force someone to talk. You can let them know that support is available and that you'll be there if they change their mind. Keep the door open. Continue checking in where appropriate. And remember to look after yourself too. Supporting someone who is struggling can be emotionally exhausting.
You matter too.
What If You're Worried About Suicide?
If someone tells you they're thinking about suicide, take them seriously.
Don't assume they're just saying it for attention.
Stay with them if you can do so safely.
Listen.
Ask whether they are in immediate danger.
Encourage them to get professional help.
Samaritans advises that asking someone directly about suicide does not put the idea into their head and can provide an opportunity for them to talk about what they're experiencing. (samaritans.org
)If you believe they are in immediate danger, call 999 or take them to the nearest A&E.
You can also contact Samaritans for guidance if you're worried about someone:
116 123
Samaritans is free to call, day or night. (samaritans.org)
You Can't Pour From an Empty Cup
Supporting someone doesn't mean you have to be available every minute. You may be grieving too. You may have your own responsibilities, children, work, health or worries. It's okay to take a break .It's okay to say: “I love you and I'm here for you, but I need some rest tonight.”
Looking after yourself means you're more able to continue supporting someone else.
Remember
You don't have to have all the answers.
You don't have to make everything better.
You don't have to find the perfect words.
Sometimes the most important things are:
Listen.
Stay connected.
Take them seriously.
Offer practical help.
Help them find professional support when they need it.
And sometimes simply saying:
“I'm here. You don't have to go through this alone.”
can mean more than you realise.
Further Support
Samaritans
If you're worried about someone else, Samaritans provides information about supporting someone who is struggling.116 123
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-worried-about-someone-else/
Cruse Bereavement Support
Bereavement information and support for people who have lost someone.
Mind
Information about mental health and finding support.
NHS
Information about mental health, grief and getting help.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/
The Funeral Companion
Supporting your mental health.
You don't have to be the person who has all the answers.
Sometimes your job is simply to help someone find the right person to talk to.
We're here to help you find your way