The Stages and Signs of Grief
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Your grief is valid. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
When someone we love dies, grief can affect almost every part of us — our thoughts, emotions, body, behaviour and relationships.
You might cry constantly.
You might feel nothing at all.
You might feel angry one minute and completely lost the next.
You might have a good day and then suddenly find yourself crying because you heard a song, smelled a familiar perfume or walked past somewhere you used to go together.
All of these things can be part of grief.
There is no single way to grieve, and there is no timetable you have to follow.
WHAT CAN GRIEF FEEL LIKE?
Grief isn't only sadness.
You might experience:
• Shock or numbness
• Disbelief
• Sadness and crying
• Anger or irritability
• Guilt or self-blame
• Anxiety or worry
• Loneliness
• Feeling empty
• Difficulty concentrating
• Feeling confused
• Exhaustion or tiredness
• Changes in your appetite
• Difficulty sleeping
• Losing interest in things you normally enjoy
• Missing the person intensely
You might experience several of these feelings at once, or none of them.
You might even experience relief, particularly if the person had been very ill or suffering.
Feeling relief does not mean you didn't love or care about someone.
Grief can affect us physically as well as emotionally.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF
You've probably heard people talk about the five stages:
DENIAL → ANGER → BARGAINING → DEPRESSION → ACCEPTANCE
They can be useful as a way of understanding some of the feelings people may experience after a death.
But there's something important to know:
GRIEF IS NOT A STRAIGHT LINE.
The five stages were developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in relation to people facing their own terminal illness and were later widely applied to bereavement.
We now know that grief doesn't necessarily happen in five neat stages.
You might experience some of these feelings.
You might experience all of them.
You might experience none of them.
You don't have to experience them in this order.
You can move backwards and forwards between different feelings, sometimes within the same day.
Every grief journey is different.
1. DENIAL AND SHOCK
When someone dies, the first reaction can sometimes be shock or disbelief.
Even when you know intellectually that the person has died, part of you may still expect them to walk through the door or phone you.
You might feel:
• Numb
• Detached
• Confused
• Unable to think clearly
• As though you're in a dream
• As though everything is happening around you
Sometimes people carry on with practical jobs because dealing with paperwork, the funeral and everyday responsibilities gives them something to focus on.
This doesn't mean you're not grieving.
2. ANGER
Anger is a very common part of grief.
You might feel angry at:
• The situation
• Doctors or healthcare professionals
• Other family members
• Yourself
• The person who died
• The unfairness of what happened
• The world
You might think:
“Why them?”
“Why now?”
“It isn't fair.”
You may even feel angry with the person who died.
That doesn't make you a bad person.
Anger can be one way that the pain of loss comes out.
3. BARGAINING AND “WHAT IF?”
You might find yourself going over events again and again.
“What if I'd done something differently?”
“What if we'd gone to the doctor sooner?”
“What if I'd made that phone call?”
“If only…”
This kind of thinking is common after a loss.
We naturally look for explanations and imagine ways things could have been different.
Unfortunately, grief can leave us searching for an answer that may not exist.
4. DEPRESSION AND DEEP SADNESS
This doesn't necessarily mean clinical depression.
Grief itself can bring profound sadness, emptiness and longing.
You might:
• Cry frequently
• Lose motivation
• Feel exhausted
• Want to withdraw from people
• Find ordinary tasks difficult
• Feel that life has changed completely
• Miss the person terribly
Grief can come in waves.
You might feel reasonably okay for several hours and then suddenly be overwhelmed.
That doesn't mean you've gone backwards.
It means you are grieving.
5. ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance doesn't mean you're “over it”.
It doesn't mean you stop missing the person.
And it certainly doesn't mean you have forgotten them.
For some people, acceptance can gradually mean recognising that the death has happened and finding ways to live with the loss.
You may still miss the person, have difficult days and experience waves of sadness.
You don't have to reach a particular stage, and there is no point at which you are supposed to be “finished” grieving.
Moving forward doesn't mean leaving them behind.
GRIEF DOESN'T FOLLOW A TIMETABLE
One of the hardest things about grief is that there isn't a schedule.
You might expect to feel better after the funeral.
Then the funeral is over and suddenly the house is quiet.
People return to work.
The phone stops ringing.
Everyone else seems to carry on.
And you might think:
“Why am I still struggling?”
There is no deadline for grief.
Some days may be easier than others.
Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, holidays, songs, photographs and familiar places can unexpectedly bring difficult feelings back.
That doesn't mean you're failing.
It means the person mattered.
LOOKING AFTER YOURSELF WHILE YOU'RE GRIEVING
You don't have to solve everything at once.
For some people, small things can make the day a little easier.
TALK TO SOMEONE
Tell someone how you're feeling, even if all you can say is:
“I'm having a really difficult day.”
EAT AND DRINK
Grief can affect your appetite, but try to keep yourself nourished and hydrated.
REST
Sleep can be difficult after a bereavement, so be gentle with yourself.
GET OUTSIDE
Even a short walk can give you some fresh air and a change of surroundings.
DON'T ISOLATE YOURSELF COMPLETELY
It's okay to want some time alone, but staying connected with people you trust can help.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO HAVE GOOD DAYS
Laughing doesn't mean you've stopped grieving.
Enjoying yourself doesn't mean you've forgotten them.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE WHILE YOU GRIEVE.
WHEN SHOULD YOU ASK FOR HELP?
Sometimes grief becomes particularly difficult to manage.
You might find that:
• You're struggling to function day to day
• Your mood is becoming increasingly low
• Anxiety is becoming overwhelming
• You can't return to normal activities
• You feel completely stuck
• Your grief doesn't seem to become any easier over time
• You're having thoughts about not wanting to be alive
You don't have to wait until you're at breaking point before asking for help.
You could speak to your GP, a counsellor, bereavement service or another healthcare professional.
If you are in immediate danger or need urgent medical help, call 999 or seek emergency medical help.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GRIEVE ALONE
Talking can help.
Sometimes you need someone who has been through bereavement themselves.
Sometimes you simply need somebody to listen without trying to fix anything.
There are organisations that specialise in helping people through grief.
CRUSE BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT
Information, advice and bereavement support.
https://www.cruse.org.uk/
MIND
Information about bereavement, grief, self-care and finding support.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/support-and-self-care/
SAMARITANS
If you simply need someone to talk to, Samaritans can be contacted free on 116 123, day or night.
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
NHS
Information about grief, bereavement, symptoms and when to seek help.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/
REMEMBER…
There is no right way to grieve.
There is no timetable.
Good days don't mean you've stopped grieving.
Difficult days don't mean you're going backwards.
And asking for help doesn't mean you're weak.
It means you're human.
Take your time.
Be kind to yourself.