Looking After Yourself After a Bereavement
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Grief can take a lot out of you.
Looking after yourself isn't selfish.
When someone dies, it can feel as though everything else has been pushed aside. There may be a funeral to arrange, people to contact, paperwork to deal with and family members who need your help. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, you're grieving too. It can be easy to forget about yourself.
You might stop eating properly.
You might struggle to sleep.
You might not want to see anyone.
You might feel as though you simply don't have the energy to do anything.
Looking after yourself won't make the grief disappear. But taking care of your basic needs can help you get through the difficult days.
You Don't Have to Do Everything
After a death, there can seem to be an endless list of things that need doing. Try not to expect yourself to manage everything at once.
Ask: “What actually needs doing today?”
Then deal with that. Everything else can wait. Some days, getting dressed, having something to eat and getting through the day may be enough.
That is still an achievement.
Eat and Drink
Grief can affect your appetite. You may have no interest in food at all, or you may find yourself eating more than usual.
Try to keep eating regularly, even if meals are simple. You don't have to cook elaborate meals. A sandwich, soup, cereal, toast or something easy to prepare is still food.
Keep a drink nearby and remember to drink regularly. If you're looking after someone else as well as grieving yourself, try to make sure they're eating and drinking too.
Try to Get Some Rest
Sleep can be difficult after someone dies. Your mind may keep going over what happened. You may wake during the night. You may find yourself thinking about the person when everything becomes quiet.
Try to give yourself opportunities to rest, even if you can't sleep. A quiet evening, a short nap or simply lying down for a while can give your body a chance to recover.
If you're having persistent problems with sleep, speak to your GP.
Get Outside When You Can
You don't have to go for a long walk.
Open the door.
Stand in the garden.
Walk to the end of the road.
Sit on a bench.
Take the dog out.
A little fresh air and movement can sometimes make a difficult day feel slightly more manageable.
The NHS recommends physical activity, maintaining regular meals and taking small, manageable steps when coping with grief and difficult feelings.
Stay Connected
It can be tempting to withdraw from everyone. Sometimes you genuinely need some quiet time, and that's okay.
But try not to disappear completely.
You don't have to go out or have long conversations.
Send someone a message.
Answer the phone.
Have a cup of tea with a friend.
Sit with someone without talking.
You can even tell people: “I don't really feel like talking today, but I'd like some company.”
The people who care about you don't necessarily need you to be cheerful. They may simply want to be there.
It's Okay to Say No
You don't have to attend everything.
You don't have to answer every phone call.
You don't have to explain yourself to everyone.
You can say:
“I'm sorry, but I can't manage that today.”
Grief takes energy. It's okay to protect some of yours.
Give Yourself Permission to Have Good Days
This can be surprisingly difficult.
You might laugh at something and then suddenly feel guilty.
You might enjoy a meal, watch a film or spend time with friends and wonder: “How can I be enjoying myself when they're gone?”
You are allowed to laugh.
You are allowed to enjoy things .
You are allowed to have a good day.
Feeling happy for a moment doesn't mean you've stopped loving or missing the person who died.
Life continuing doesn't mean you have forgotten them.
Be Careful With Alcohol and Drugs
Some people turn to alcohol or drugs because they temporarily numb difficult feelings.
Although they may seem to provide relief, they can make your mood, sleep and anxiety worse and can make grief harder to manage.
If you're finding yourself relying on alcohol or drugs to get through the day, talk to your GP or seek appropriate support.
You don't have to deal with that alone.
Give Yourself Some Time Away From Grief
It may feel strange to do something completely unrelated to the person who died. But taking a break from grief isn't the same as avoiding it.
Watch something funny.
Listen to music.
Play a game.
Read a book.
Go shopping.
Spend time with friends.
Do something creative.
Take the dog for a walk.
Whatever gives you a little breathing space.
You don't have to think about grief every minute of every day to prove that you care.
Look After Your Emotional Health
You may experience lots of different emotions
.Sadness
.Anger
.Guilt
.Relief
.Fear
.Loneliness
.Confusion
.Numbness
.Some days you may feel several of them at once
Try not to judge yourself for what you feel. Feelings aren't instructions. You don't have to act on every emotion. Sometimes simply recognising: “I'm having a really difficult day today.” can help you understand what you're experiencing.
Some people worry about mentioning the person because they don't want to upset other family members. But talking can be comforting.
Say their name.
Tell a story.
Look at photographs.
Listen to their favourite music.
Talk about something funny they did.
Remember the things that made them who they were.
Grief doesn't mean you have to stop talking about someone.
Their death changed your relationship with them, but it didn't erase their place in your life.
Make Space for Memories
You might find comfort in creating a small way of remembering them.
You could:
- Keep photographs somewhere special
- Create a memory box
- Make a playlist
- Plant something in their memory
- Write down favourite memories
- Keep a piece of jewellery or another meaningful item
- Visit somewhere special
- Light a candle
- Celebrate their birthday
- Do something they enjoyed
There is no right or wrong way to remember someone.
Don't Make Huge Decisions If You Don't Have To
Grief can affect concentration, judgement and emotional wellbeing. If possible, give yourself time before making major life-changing decisions. That doesn't mean important decisions can never be made after a death. Sometimes they have to be. But where you have a choice, don't put pressure on yourself to change everything at once.
You have enough to deal with already.
Ask Other People to Help
You don't have to be the person who does everything.
Someone might be able to:
- Do the shopping
- Cook a meal
- Take the children out
- Walk the dog
- Make phone calls
- Help with paperwork
- Sit with you
- Drive you somewhere
- Deal with practical jobs
Instead of saying :“I'm fine.” when you're not, try :“Actually, I could do with some help.” People often want to help but don't know what would be useful.
Give them something specific to do.
Looking After Yourself Isn't Forgetting Them
This is worth repeating.
Going back to work doesn't mean you've stopped grieving.
Having a laugh doesn't mean you've forgotten.
Going on holiday doesn't mean you don't care.
Buying something for yourself doesn't mean you're selfish.
Enjoying life doesn't mean you are leaving the person behind.
You are allowed to keep living while you grieve.
When You Need More Support
Self-care isn't a replacement for professional help. If you're finding it increasingly difficult to cope, speak to someone.
That could be:
- Your GP
- A counsellor
- A bereavement support organisation
- A trusted friend or family member
- A mental-health professional
If you feel overwhelmed and simply need someone to talk to, Samaritans can be contacted free on 116 123, day or night. (samaritans.org)If you are in immediate danger or need urgent medical help, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.
Be Kind to Yourself
You are going through something difficult.
You don't have to get everything right.
You don't have to be strong every minute.
You don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not.
Some days will be harder than others.
Some days may surprise you by being okay.
Both are part of your journey.
Take things one day at a time.
And on the days when even that feels too much:
Take it one hour at a time.
Further Support
NHS
Information about grief, bereavement, feelings and getting further help
Cruse Bereavement Support
Bereavement information and support.
Mind
Information about mental health, bereavement and looking after yourself.
Samaritans
Someone to talk to, free on 116 123, day or night.
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
The Funeral Companion
Supporting your mental health.
We're not here to tell you how you should grieve.
We're here to help you find information, find support and find your way.
You don't have to work everything out on your own.