Grief and Family Relationships
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When you're all grieving, it isn't always easy to be there for each other.
When someone dies, families often hope that they will pull together and support one another.Sometimes they do.But grief can also make family relationships complicated.People may be exhausted, emotional, frightened, overwhelmed or simply trying to cope in completely different ways. Existing disagreements can become harder to manage, and decisions that might normally be straightforward can suddenly feel incredibly important.If your family is struggling after a death, you're not alone.
Everyone Grieves Differently
One of the most important things to remember is that there is no single way to grieve.One person might cry constantly.Another might barely cry at all.Someone might want to talk about the person who died every day.Someone else might find it too painful to talk.One family member might throw themselves into organising the funeral and dealing with paperwork, while another struggles to get out of bed.This doesn't necessarily mean that one person cared more than another.People cope differently.Some people become very practical because having things to do gives them something to focus on.Others may be so overwhelmed by their emotions that even ordinary tasks become difficult.Different doesn't necessarily mean uncaring.Cruse Bereavement Support explains that people can move between periods of intense grief and periods where they focus on practical tasks, and that being “out of sync” can sometimes create misunderstandings within families.
Why Can Families Fall Out After Someone Dies?
Grief doesn't happen in isolation.Every family already has its own history, personalities, relationships and sometimes unresolved disagreements.A death can bring those things to the surface.You may find yourselves disagreeing about:
The funeral
What type of funeral should there be?Burial or cremation?How much should be spent?Who should pay?Who should be involved in the arrangements?
The person's belongings
One person may want to keep everything.Another may feel that things need to be sorted quickly.A piece of clothing, photograph or ordinary household object may have enormous emotional meaning to one person and very little meaning to another.
Wills, money and inheritance
Money and property can be particularly difficult subjects when everyone is grieving.People may have different expectations about what the person who died wanted.They may disagree about possessions, property or how things should be divided.These arguments aren't always really about money.Sometimes they are about memories, fairness, relationships or feeling that someone else is making decisions without you.
Different parts of the family
Sometimes the person who died had children from different relationships, a former partner, a current partner, stepchildren or other relatives.Different people may have very different ideas about what should happen next.There may also be disagreements about who should be involved in decisions.These are all issues Cruse identifies as common sources of family conflict after a death.
What If You Were Already Having Problems?
Not every family has a close relationship.Perhaps you were already estranged from someone.Perhaps there had been arguments for years.Perhaps the person who died had a complicated relationship with different members of the family.A death doesn't automatically make those problems disappear.In fact, grief can sometimes make existing tensions feel even stronger.You may be grieving the person who died and grieving the relationship you wish you had with another family member.You may also have complicated feelings about the person who died themselves.You might feel sadness, anger, relief, guilt, love or regret — sometimes all at once.There is no requirement for grief to be simple.
Try Not to Compare Grief
One of the most damaging things families can do is compare how much each person appears to be grieving.“I'm the only one who's upset.”“She hasn't cried once.”“He's just carrying on as though nothing happened.”“They didn't even want to come to the funeral.”Try to remember that what you see isn't necessarily what someone else is feeling.Some people grieve privately.Some people keep busy.Some people need to talk.Some people need silence.Some people don't know what they're feeling yet.You cannot measure someone's love by the way they grieve.
When Arguments Happen
If a disagreement becomes heated, it can sometimes help to take a break.You don't have to resolve everything immediately.Give everyone some time to calm down and come back to the conversation later.When you do talk, try to explain how you feel rather than accusing the other person.For example:“I'm finding this really difficult because Mum's clothes mean so much to me.”rather than:“How can you be so heartless and throw everything away?”Using “I” statements can make difficult conversations less confrontational.Cruse recommends allowing space when emotions are particularly raw and, where possible, keeping communication open and explaining your own feelings rather than blaming others.
Try to Keep Talking
Silence can sometimes make disagreements worse.Someone may feel excluded because they don't know what decisions are being made.Another person may feel that everything has been left for them to organise.Someone else may simply not understand what the rest of the family expects from them.Where possible, talk about:
- What needs to happen
- Who is doing what
- What decisions need to be made
- What can wait
- What matters most to each person
- What the person who died may have wanted
You don't have to agree about everything.Sometimes the goal isn't to make everyone think the same.It's to understand where everyone is coming from.
Supporting Someone in Your Family Who Is Grieving
You may not be the person who has been bereaved.Perhaps you're trying to support your partner, parent, child, sibling or another relative.You might be worried about saying the wrong thing.You don't have to find the perfect words.Sometimes simply saying:“I'm here.”is enough.
Listen
You don't have to fix their grief.Let them talk if they want to.You don't have to immediately offer solutions or tell them what they should do.
Talk about the person who died
If they want to talk about them, let them.Using their name and sharing memories can help someone feel that their loved one hasn't simply disappeared from everyone's conversations.
Offer practical help
Instead of:“Let me know if you need anything.”try something specific:“I'll bring dinner round on Thursday.”“I'll pick the children up from school.”“I'll do the shopping this weekend.”“I'll give you a call tomorrow.”Someone who is grieving may not have the energy to work out what they need and then ask for it.Cruse recommends offering practical help and being specific about what you can realistically do.
What Should You Avoid Saying?
You may genuinely want to help but accidentally say something that doesn't feel helpful.Try to avoid telling someone:“I know exactly how you feel.”Every relationship and every bereavement is different.You might also want to avoid:“At least they had a long life.”“They're in a better place.”“You need to be strong.”“Time heals everything.”“You need to move on.”Even when meant kindly, these phrases can sometimes make someone feel that their grief should be different from how it actually feels.Instead, you can simply say:“I'm so sorry.”“I'm thinking of you.”“Would you like to talk about them?”“I'm here to listen.”Cruse advises that listening is often more helpful than trying to fix someone's grief, and provides further guidance about what to say after a death.
What If You're Grieving Too?
Sometimes you're trying to support someone else while you're grieving the same person.That can be exhausting.You may feel as though everyone needs something from you while you're struggling yourself.Remember:You are allowed to grieve too.You don't have to become the strong one simply because other people are struggling.Ask for help.Share practical jobs.Take breaks.Let other people support you.You cannot keep giving when you have nothing left.
Children and Young People
Children and teenagers can also experience family tension after a death.They may not understand why adults are arguing.They may worry that someone else will die.They may feel responsible for people's feelings.They may also grieve differently from the adults around them.Try to give children age-appropriate information and reassure them that the disagreements around them are not their fault.If you're concerned about how a child or young person is coping, seek additional bereavement support.
When Family Relationships Become Too Difficult
Sometimes talking things through isn't enough.If disagreements involve significant money, property, inheritance or legal issues, getting appropriate professional advice may be necessary.In some situations, mediation can help family members work through disagreements with the assistance of an independent person.This doesn't mean that everyone has to become close again.Sometimes the goal is simply to find a way to communicate and make necessary decisions without causing further harm.Cruse recommends considering mediation or appropriate legal advice when family disputes cannot be resolved informally.
Before Someone Dies
If you're reading this before a bereavement, there is something you can do now that may make things easier later.Talk.Talk about what matters to you.Talk about funeral wishes.Talk about important documents.Talk about who should be contacted.Talk about what you would want to happen to your belongings.Talk about the things that your family might otherwise have to guess.These conversations can feel awkward.But they can also be an incredible kindness to the people who will eventually have to make decisions on your behalf.Making your wishes known and having important documents in place can reduce uncertainty and potentially prevent disagreements later.
You Don't Have to Agree on Everything
Families are complicated.People have different personalities.Different relationships.Different memories.Different ways of coping.And grief can make all of those differences feel bigger.If your family is struggling after someone dies, try to give each other some space, some patience and some understanding.You don't have to agree about everything.You don't even have to feel the same way.But if you can listen to one another and remember that everyone is trying to cope with a loss, it may make difficult conversations a little easier.
Remember
There is no right way to grieve.You cannot measure someone's love by how they grieve.You don't have to resolve every disagreement immediately.It's okay to take a break from a difficult conversation.It's okay to ask for help.And if family relationships become difficult after a death, it doesn't mean that you have failed.Sometimes grief is simply very hard.
Further Support
Cruse Bereavement Support
Cruse provides bereavement information and support, including guidance about family conflict after someone dies and how to support someone who is grieving.Family conflict after someone dies:
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/managing-grief/family-conflict-after-someone-dies/What to say when someone is grieving:
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/how-to-help-someone-with-grief/what-to-say-when-someone-is-grieving/How to help someone who is grieving:
National Bereavement Service
If you're dealing with practical or legal issues following a death, the National Bereavement Service can provide information and guidance.https://thenbs.org/
Citizens Advice
Citizens Advice provides information about a range of issues that can arise following a death, including finances, benefits, housing, debt and legal matters.https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/If you are dealing with a specific legal or financial dispute, seek appropriate professional advice.
The Funeral Companion
Information. Guidance. Support.The Funeral Companion brings together practical funeral information, bereavement guidance, checklists, resources and local information across London, Essex and Kent.If you're grieving, supporting someone who is grieving, or simply trying to help your family through a difficult time, you don't have to work everything out on your own.We're here to help you find your way.thefuneralcompanion.co.uk